A Real Flight Attendant Should Say

1. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt. If you don’t know how to operate one, you probably should not be out in public unsupervised.
2. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
3. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.
4. When a plane finally came to a halt, “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
5. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a flight attendant flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck, everything has shifted.”
8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, then pick your favorite.”
9. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we will try to have them fixed for you before we arrive.
10. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Arrow Airlines.
11. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our complements.
12. From a passenger, after a series of noises and shuddering bumps during arrival, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
13. Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children.
14. Last one off the plane must clean it.
15. And from the pilot during his welcome message, “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
16. After a particularly windy and bumpy final approach, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
17. Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Braveheart and his magnificent crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.